Ok?

Tomorrow I get the results of my latest PET Scan. I wonder if there will always be this worry? I don’t like worry. But sometimes its hard not to worry. I know it doesn’t do any good and I know I shouldn’t do it, but there it is, staring me in the face. Just going for the PET Scan reminds me that I have cancer, oh crap I forgot! Then the radiology guy innocently asks, “Are you anemic? You bled a little more then usual.” Oh no! Thats where this all started, dread! So then everything starts to ache more. I am feeling a bit more tired this week. I had a hangnail that bled a little too much, oh no! Am I going backwards? Is everything ok? This sucks!

Now I know this is irrational thinking. I know you need to be positive.  I know the medication I’m on can cause muscle aches and bone pain. I know that it also gives me hot flashes and night sweats, so I have not been sleeping well. And the hangnail well…it is what it is! I hope that as time passes I will be less anxious about all this. It’s hard to trust your own body when you feel like it has let you down in the past. But I know I am getting better, and stronger every day. My blood work results have been improving each time. So I am just gonna look forward to better and better results. Maybe one day I will be normal…not a chance! Lol

Its crazy what the human mind can do. Sometimes its hard to control, like this silly puppy sitting at my feet chewing on my shoe. But with time and patience it will come around. Sometimes a nice long walk helps too!

 

Worry

It is impossible not to worry when you have cancer. I don’t care what you say. Everyday you just have to hope and pray that it doesn’t come back or get worse. You worry about all the side effects of the treatments and if/when they are going to go away. I’m pretty sure there will never be a day that I won’t think about having cancer. It doesn’t help that when I look in the mirror I still look sick because my head still has fuzzy white chemo hair, my eyebrows are all but gone, and now I see that I have about two eyelashes left on my lower eyelids! I don’t think I am being vain, but I feel better, so I want to look better too!

I truly am feeling better but I worry, just a little, about every ache and pain that comes along. That is the problem when you can’t see whats going on inside you! No, I am not obsessed and it is not something that I think about constantly but, it is something that was not invited and has come to change my life, wether I want it to or not! I guess its up to me how I let it change me. I am not one to let it beat me down and make me pitiful and weak, yes I do have my moments!  I have always tried to make the best of what I have, I’m not gonna stop now! I have to look on the bright side, I will look fear and darkness right in the eye and I will not let it run my life! In some ways I feel empowered, I am getting stronger every day! I fought cancer, I’m not afraid of you!

Worrying won’t stop the bad stuff from happening it just stops you from enjoying the good. One way that this experience has changed me is, I realize much more clearly now that I don’t want to sweat the small stuff anymore. I want to enjoy life more, laugh more, love more. Sure life is not always perfect, there are always going to be ups and downs. But you have choices, you get to choose how you react to these things good and bad.