Some days I just don’t have a clue about what I am doing. Today is one of those days. I am just fumbling around, trying to get things done, which I am, but I feel so unorganized with no definite direction. As far back as I can remember, I have been a goal oriented person, always moving in the direction of my goals. Lately, I have been reevaluating my life and trying to figure out what is important to me. Right now I don’t feel the same as I did pre cancer. I don’t know which way to go. I still don’t have the strength or energy to do everything I would like to do. I used to work with my horses almost every day. I used to paint all the time. Now it seems like I just don’t have the gumption or patience to do any of it. I wonder if it is the medication I am on, is it making me crazy? Am I still just getting over the effects of the cancer treatments? Or are my priorities just changing? I’m not sure.
It is scary! Part of me would love a change, a new beginning. To leave the country and change my identity! Part of me wants to get back to familiar business, to a life I enjoyed. Will it ever be the same? My illness has given me a new, heightened respect for time, which I don’t want to waste. But I don’t know which way to go? Too many choices. Not to mention the ever expanding debt that a life threatening illness can bring. Pressure to get back to making money. Under Pressure! Right now it seems to be all I can do to get the farm back in order, spring is always a busy time of year, weeding, watering, cleaning. Things are really going along just fine and I am getting stronger everyday. I just feel like a wanderer with no real direction. This really annoys me! Is that bad? Fear of the unknown? No way! I am beating this cancer thing, I am not afraid! Does anyone really know what they are doing anyway? Is this a pep talk to myself? Maybe. Some days you just need a pep talk.