Whatever I Want

I am pretty sure my doctor has no idea, but one of the best things she told me was to eat whatever I want. Of course I was happy with my latest test results, that the treatments were working, and that I wasn’t dying. But to someone that has struggled with their weight all their life, this was amazing! I have always been so strict, eat this, don’t eat that. Exercise, exercise exercise. Judging food all the time. I love food, I cook and bake and limit and control. A terrible life long battle where weight gain always seem to win! I was a vegetarian for five years, mostly because cows live on our road and they are beautiful, kind creatures and seeing them every day just made it hard for me to eat them. But also because it seemed healthy and I might, just might, lose some weight. Nope not me.

About six years ago I was told I had a thyroid issue. Yes, finally a reason why I don’t lose weight! I was prescribed some medication. I took it for a year. I didn’t lose a pound! I joke with my friends that if there was ever an apocalypse or food shortage my horse and I would be the last ones standing, she has a weight issue too, that poor girl lives on air!

When I got diagnosed with cancer, friends and family and books on cancer were telling me to eat this, don’t eat that. No sugar, lots of meat, no meat, limit the carbs, watch out for salt. Apricot kernels and alkaline water, thats what you need! Sounds wonderful! Not so much! I was still reeling from the whole diagnosis thing and what I faced. I was angry that I had tried to eat healthy, and take care of myself all my life and I still got cancer! The last thing I wanted to do was have an even stricter food regimen, I just didn’t have the energy! At the time I had no appetite. I was not very interested in food for the first time in my life. I had lost 12 pounds. And my doctor said, eat whatever you want, live a little.

What? You mean its ok to eat a cupcake? A hamburger? Some mac and cheese? It was so liberating! My body took a huge involuntary inhale/exhale and relaxed thankful for the permission, for the first time in my life, to not worry about food. Just eat what you want when you want it. Wow I have never done that, I don’t even know what I want! Cupcakes! I think I ate three cupcakes the first week and believe it or not I was still alive and I didn’t want anymore cupcakes!  I had some mac n cheese, it was all I had for dinner one night and low and behold, I didn’t want any more mac n cheese! I also had a few Mountain Dews, real sugar of course, but after just a few days of allowing myself this treat, I wanted no more!  These were things I would just not allow myself to eat before, I almost felt naughty! As time went on and I allowed myself to eat whatever I wanted, and listened to my body, I realized I wanted and craved healthy food, fresh fruits and vegetables, healthy smoothies, nuts and small amounts of lean meat. You are what you eat, and thank goodness I don’t want processed, fake, junk food.  Maybe just a little, once in a while!

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