Today is the day. I sit in the doctors office waiting to hear my Pet Scan results. I haven’t been here in two weeks, not much has changed, same people, same place. I feel different, as I walk past the people in the waiting room. I feel like…been here, done that! I don’t have to get chemo today! I won’t have to sit here half the day in a cold room, hooked up to an IV. I don’t have to anticipate what this weeks side effects will be like. They do take my vitals and check my blood.
My doctor comes in. She looks at my results. She says that my blood work looks good, almost normal. She goes over the Pet Scan results with me and she is pleased with the results. She said my cancer responded very well to the chemotherapy. I have no cancer left in my breast, no more pot holes in my bones, there is some minimal cancer left in my bones, but she feels like the hormone therapy should take care of that. She discusses treatment plans with me. I will have to take an estrogen blocking pill (anastozole) once a day for the next 5-10 years. If the side effects bother me too much there are others we can try. Pet scan every three months and this Xgeeva shot once a month to strengthen my bones. All in all, even though I was hoping for the words cancer free, it is very good news.
It is so weird that as happy as I want to be there is still, well, this nagging fear. Why is my spleen still enlarged? Went from 14cm to 13cm. Why isn’t ALL the cancer gone after all that I have gone through? What crazy side effects will I have to deal with from the hormone pills for the next five to ten years? Why are my bones still fragile? which makes the doctor advise me against jumping back in the saddle just yet. Why am I so impatient? Don’t get me wrong, I am extremely pleased with the results. I just want to be back to “normal” I want to go about my daily routine and life just like I always have. I don’t really want to think about being careful or cautious, or worried about breaking a bone, or forgetting my pill, or the cancer coming back.
“Life is a balance between holding on and letting go.” Rumi
I quickly realize this is ridiculous! I have to look forward and not back. Getting a cancer diagnosis is not the end of the world. Maybe it is a wake up call to really fully live your life. I have come across many people that have come out of this better and stronger than before. I am still recovering from my treatment and every day I am feeling stronger and more alive! I am feeling like I am almost ready for my next adventure!