Well…part 10

Wow! My mind is almost giddy with the thought of my chemotherapy treatments almost over. My body, not so much, side effects intensify as treatment goes on. My mind says yes, my body says no! My legs are so weak, they feel shaky if I stand up for too long, too long means about 10 minutes. My arms are now feeling weak and shaky too. I do not like this fragile thing, I have never felt fragile before. I could work right along side of the guys, unloading hay, shoveling mulch, working horses. I have always taken care of my body and I have always been able to count on it, I could push it further, harder, faster. It never complained and always served me well. This is a strange unfamiliar feeling and I don’t like it!

That unknowing  thing keeps popping up in my head…what if the chemo doesn’t  work? What if I never get my energy or strength back? What if my bones don’t get stronger? What if the cancer comes back? What is the next treatment? Don’t fool yourself, you’re  not off the hook yet. Now this is not very positive, I know. So I occupy myself with all the things I am going to do once my treatment is done. I have so much time to make up for. I want to hit the ground running. A new beginning! Thinking about new directions to go with my cooking, my travels, my life.

This cancer thing seems to be a double edged sword! It is something I will have to live with for the rest of my life. With stage four cancer doctors will never say you are cancer free, I will have to be on medication to keep it in check for 5-10 years, at least. I will have to get pet scans every three months. I am getting monthly injections to strengthen my bones. I will be closely monitored. Maybe thats a good thing? If anything raises its ugly head it will be caught early!

My mind wanders. I have it all figured out. I will start trying to get back in shape, a little at a time. So when this chemo thing is over I can get right back into life. I have heard about people that worked (had a job) through their treatments, walked 3 miles a day, etc. I can do this! Apparently these people went into their treatments in better health. I was pretty sick for the few months leading up to the beginning of my treatments. Exercising was not gonna happen, not right now anyway. My body needed time to recover and repair itself. More patience please.

2 thoughts on “Well…part 10

  1. Marcia Morse says:

    Reading your words take me way back when, meeting you through my daughter, Anne Chiulli. I can say, YES, these words come from the same strong, beautiful, inspiring woman I met , and was so impressed by. Your spirit shines.. I know firsthand how cancer tries to dim ones spirit. Yours will guide you through, and keep making plans. Nice to connect with you, and please know you are in my daily thoughts and neditations. With live from Cape Cod…….Marcia

    Liked by 1 person

    • retroartgroove says:

      Marcia, thank you for your kind words. I am so happy to hear from you and so sorry you have had this experience too. I am amazed by how many people are affected by this. It sure does knock the wind out of your sails! lol since you are in Cape Cod! Please keep in touch, love. We can do this!


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