Wow! My mind is almost giddy with the thought of my chemotherapy treatments almost over. My body, not so much, side effects intensify as treatment goes on. My mind says yes, my body says no! My legs are so weak, they feel shaky if I stand up for too long, too long means about 10 minutes. My arms are now feeling weak and shaky too. I do not like this fragile thing, I have never felt fragile before. I could work right along side of the guys, unloading hay, shoveling mulch, working horses. I have always taken care of my body and I have always been able to count on it, I could push it further, harder, faster. It never complained and always served me well. This is a strange unfamiliar feeling and I don’t like it!
That unknowing thing keeps popping up in my head…what if the chemo doesn’t work? What if I never get my energy or strength back? What if my bones don’t get stronger? What if the cancer comes back? What is the next treatment? Don’t fool yourself, you’re not off the hook yet. Now this is not very positive, I know. So I occupy myself with all the things I am going to do once my treatment is done. I have so much time to make up for. I want to hit the ground running. A new beginning! Thinking about new directions to go with my cooking, my travels, my life.
This cancer thing seems to be a double edged sword! It is something I will have to live with for the rest of my life. With stage four cancer doctors will never say you are cancer free, I will have to be on medication to keep it in check for 5-10 years, at least. I will have to get pet scans every three months. I am getting monthly injections to strengthen my bones. I will be closely monitored. Maybe thats a good thing? If anything raises its ugly head it will be caught early!
My mind wanders. I have it all figured out. I will start trying to get back in shape, a little at a time. So when this chemo thing is over I can get right back into life. I have heard about people that worked (had a job) through their treatments, walked 3 miles a day, etc. I can do this! Apparently these people went into their treatments in better health. I was pretty sick for the few months leading up to the beginning of my treatments. Exercising was not gonna happen, not right now anyway. My body needed time to recover and repair itself. More patience please.