Don’t let it consume you. Some of the best advice I received was keep busy and don’t think. I like that, for some reason it gave me comfort. Of course I could not keep very busy but I could occupy my mind with other things, not cancer. Worrying is a waste of time and precious energy. I try to do things that make me happy. And I live with two of the silliest most ridiculous people I know, Jerry and Scott. They are always making me laugh, the things they come up with! Now don’t get me wrong there was many a tear shed. I think I am a pretty positive person but some days the emotions just welled up and took over. Some days I felt weak, fragile and totally out of control. So I cried, just do it and get it over with! Some times, especially those “yuck days” when I was stuck on the couch, just talking to a friend about “normal stuff” made all the difference in the world.
February sneaks in, time seems to be standing still. This is my last month of chemo. As the chemotherapy goes on it accumulates in your system, I was finding my recovery time was taking longer, my breathing was getting harder and my weakness was getting worse. I have always been very strong physically so this muscle weakness was very disturbing for me. These things do not put you in a very happy, positive mood! I sure hope this crap is working! It is scary having to put all your faith in something that is trying to kill you! But each week my blood work came back better and better. No more transfusions! Something must be working!
I was really hoping for a miserable cold winter, so I would feel better about being a couch potato but NO! we had one of the mildest most beautiful winters ever! The weather was amazing which just makes me that much more annoyed and sad that I am not out hiking and biking and camping and riding. All the things I have to pass on, the garden festivals, a concert on the square, even just shopping! When you are on chemo your immune system is compromised and it is cold and flu season, so I have to avoid crowds. I certainly don’t want to catch something, thats all I need! I just keep telling myself this will all be over soon! To be continued